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A Pair of Spicy Christmas Nuts

by Russell Shaddox

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1.
I don't want a Malibu Barbie I don't want a fifth of Bacardi I don't want an all-inclusive holiday I don’t want the monogrammed slippers Or Gucci gold plated fingernail clippers I just want a taste of that revenge sorbet The wind howls, the snow will fall, But my red rage won’t mind Keeps me warm when it's twenty below And I just think that you oughta know All I want for Christmas is to kick your ass Then everything will be okay If I could wipe that grin off of your stupid face It'd be a perfect holiday Don't know if Santa thinks I've been nice We'll have to wait and see But if all I get for Christmas is to kick your ass I'll be happy I wish I could be aloof and satiric To keep more with the holiday spirit Write something droll and get on NPR But my mind, consumed by the anger, Knows I have to roll with the danger My forgiveness isn't gonna reach that far So St. Nick can strike my name I'll take my lump of coal 'Cause my wish list is one item long It's to give you a punch in the dong All I want for Christmas is to kick your ass Then everything will be okay If I could wipe that grin off of your stupid face It'd be a perfect holiday Don't know if Santa thinks I've been nice We'll have to wait and see But if all I get for Christmas is to kick your ass I'll be happy Yes, if all I get for Christmas is to kick your ass I'll be happy
2.
You can give me eggnog whether it’s got rum or not I won’t refuse a toddy if you make it nice and hot But if you try to serve me fruitcake, I will scream and run away ’Cause fruitcake is the devil and it’s leading me astray Ancients made up holidays to finish off the year Mistletoe and frankincense and universal cheer But then they spoiled it all with fruitcake, the confection of the beast It’s the chewy evil apex of some dark satanic feast Fruitcake, fruitcake As tasty as a tree Just a bite will make my tooth break And the dentist don’t come free Out west they fling their fruitcake with a homemade trebuchet Or use it as a tire block so their cars won’t roll away But there’s some crazy hippies smoke it; they’re the ones you must avoid ’Cause if you inhale that fruitcake then your soul will be destroyed Fruitcake, fruitcake You’ll be the death of me Just the thought will make my mind ache And corrupt my sanity You can give me crap for my alarmist point of view Tell me I need therapy, and it may well be true Still I won’t consort with candied maraschino cherry glaze ’Cause fruitcake is the devil and it haunts me all my days Yes, fruitcake is the devil and it’s leading me astray Oh fruitcake, you’re the devil, and you’re leading me astray

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A pair of warped holiday tunes that befit life in the twenty-twenties.

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released December 6, 2021

Music and lyrics by Russell Shaddox
©2021 Slipper Boy Music • All rights reserved

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Russell Shaddox East Haddam, Connecticut

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